Attachment theory vs. Attachment parenting
/I’m really approaching this one with some trepidation. Having tried a few times to gently discuss some of the central tenets of attachment parenting I’ve found it rarely ends well given the passion many people feel for the subject. I think all we can do is look to the research, ask the experts and take it from there.
So what’s the bottom line? It’s simply this: Secure attachment (the kind that is connected to multiple positive outcomes across the lifespan) is not the same as Attachment Parenting. Secure attachment is also not necessarily a result of Attachment Parenting.
What is Attachment Parenting then? Attachment Parenting as it is generally understood was first articulated by William and Martha Sears in their 2001 book. In this, they describe practices which they say are essential for producing a securely attached baby. These include birth bonding, breastfeeding, baby wearing, bed sharing (co-sleeping) and so on. Their message is clear: that following these practices (some of which are beneficial for reasons other than secure attachment) will lead to a securely attached baby. There is a huge amount in Attachment Parenting that is good, with its baby centred practices and the emphasis that the Sears put on the value of careful nurturing of babies is invaluable.
But there are three problems with these specific practices. First- they are not proven to be connected to secure attachment (and there’s a lot of high quality research been done on this.)
Second - you cannot give a formula for security. You know…. if you do XYZ/ABC……. your child will be securely attached for life.
Third - the one thing we know that really facilitates secure attachment is the capacity of the parents to examine their own childhoods, their own experience and memories of being a child and make sense of it.
So what does matter? What IS essential? In conversations with Professor Alan Sroufe* he described (and has also written) how “a connection can be very tight, but not necessarily secure, in fact it’s more than likely to be an anxious attachment”. He notes that the core practices of Attachment Parenting are very nice and may be beneficial for reasons other than secure attachment. But he speaks strongly against the idea that secure attachment is in anyway “formulaic”, reiterating that “sensitive attunement” is the key factor. When I spoke with Kent Hoffman** in 2017 about this he agreed strongly with Alan, and wondered further if the across-the-board practices of attachment parenting were more a reflection of parents’ unacknowledged needs than an attuned response to a baby’s needs. Yes. As I said at the beginning these are challenging ideas.
The takeaways are these: There is no prescription for parenting a securely attached child, there is no formula.
You have to get to know, understand and become sensitively attuned and responsive to the temperament and needs of the actual child you have. Which in some ways is less demanding than the You-Must-Do’s of the Attachment Parenting movement but in other ways requires SO much more of us. Sometimes uncomfortable (even really painful) stuff. The key essential is always going to be sensitive attunement, and for many of us that’s not always simple. In fact it can be the hardest thing to know your own state of mind well enough to understand where your strengths and weaknesses are, and where your hot spots and blind spots lie. It can immensely painful to unpack all the stuff in our implicit memory (that’s memory from before we had words.) If we can develop what’s known as a coherent narrative of our earliest relationships, we can then make sense of them and not have our parenting driven by our own less-than-helpful experiences. But an immense body of research tells us one thing for sure: if we don’t, won’t or can’t look back and make sense of our our own experiences, they will almost certainly come back and do damage in the present. Many people will look back happily on good memories of straightforward love and security - a lot of us won’t. To look back is emotionally painful, but we need to become self aware around that pain in order to not pass it on.
The absolute core of parenting is the relationship you have with your children and at ABaby&Someone we take the long view. Doing what it takes to get to secure functioning without visiting too many of our own inherited bruises on our kids can be painful but completely wonderful too! Imagine the satisfaction and joy of this: A relationship with your baby (your child, teenager or adult child) that is a lifelong source of strength and wisdom for them and delight, pride and satisfaction for you. And one day … for them and their children!
Alan* is one of the world’s leading attachment researchers at the University of Minneapolis and has been studying attachment with three generations for over 40 years.** Kent Hoffman is one of the co founders of Circle of Security and a leading writer and researcher in the field.